on strength by diana lee

September 6, 2012

Strength is having an identity that is centered in something other than your accomplishments. Then, when you fail (which all of us inevitably will), your foundation will not be shaken. Rather than questioning your worth and subsequently acting out of fear and defensiveness, you can remain confident and look for how you can become better from the experience. It is this strength that allows you to work towards the improvement of those around you instead of pushing others down so you can get one step ahead. It permits you to put your ego aside and be willing to make mistakes in front of others in order to learn something new without feeling ashamed. It motivates you to persevere at those tasks that challenge and stretch you the most and to ask for help when you need guidance. I want to find this strength in my practice of aikido as well as in every other aspect of my life. In aikido, I am not strong because I can perform advanced moves and take ukemi well or because I’ve reached a certain level of training. I am not weak because I am still fumbling with basic moves and figuring out what it means to move from my center. I may not always remember this truth, especially in those moments when I’ve failed in one way or another, but I hope that I will return to it so that I can be someone who grows from her failures, is gracious to others, and is humble yet always striving to improve. -D. Lee

"what does it mean to be strong in aikido?" - dojo essay topic given july 2012

August 28, 2012

In my first several years of training I worked to be “stronger” - pushing harder into my partner, doing more bunny hops, sweating through suburi, trying not to be last in the arm drag. I also had to build up a kind of “armor” to protect me from Sensei’s demands and reprimands. I grew stronger physically - my body changed noticeably. And I could (usually) present a stoic face when being yelled at. As time goes on I see that this was a very limited way to look at things… though I think it is a necessary stage. Now I tend to think of strength more in terms of a spirit that can meet whatever comes without flinching or backing away. I often think of Lyons Sensei saying, “Present yourself!” On the mat you can see and feel when someone grabs or strikes or invites an attack with his or her whole self… well, I won’t say “whole,” but more of his or her self. I’ve been feeling a lot of the men in the dojo getting “stronger” - they can grab so hard it hurts. And slowly I see the other strength growing in them as well - getting up again with fire to grab Sensei after they’ve just been thrashed. But what I notice particularly in those that I would call “strong” is a steady center - physically and spiritually. Attacking or throwing from one’s center, standing solid and rooted to the earth, one’s whole body working as a unity to do what needs to be done. Along with developing that physical center, that core of rooted strength, comes the development of an inner strength to face one’s fears and one’s self and not flinch. It seems to me that those two things grow together and feed each other. I have told beginners to “fake it ‘til you make it” because in my experience it seems that by presenting a steady posture and perhaps silently “daring” uke to attack, one can slowly build up the true confidence that is really needed. Eventually you can move away from the flimsy competitiveness of false bravado and dares. Then maybe you can grow closer to something like O Sensei’s instructions to: “Fill yourself with ki and invite your opponent to strike” (my italics). In aikido we are asked to give and receive techniques equally and therefore must develop a center that can deliver power and flow with it too. Our strength on the mat lies in this center and also in our ability to meet each situation with as much of ourselves as we can call to attention in the moment. -K. Savoca

from u.g. krishnamurti

August 20, 2012

" 'I don't know what to do, I am helpless, totally helpless'-- as long as you think you are totally helpless, you will depend on some outside agency." -U.G. Krishnamurti, as quoted in Goner, by Louis Brawley